Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Beginners Guide to India...Part 1


This is a little mini series i plan on continuing on this blog to help our Firangi friends when they set foot in our great country.

Lesson 1:  Quick method of identifying where you are in India when you don't have a map or GPS at your disposal.

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and.
They start arguing about who’s right.
You are in KOLKATA

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along,sees them and walks on.
That’s MUMBAI

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace.The first two get together & beat him up.
That’s DELHI

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their Friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are in AMRITSAR

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software Program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b’cos of a bug in the program.
That’s BANGALORE

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that “AMMA” doesn’t like all this nonsense. Peace comes in.
That’s CHENNAI

Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home being friends.
You are in GOA

Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea-stall & a thattukada (dhaba)…
U R NOW IN KERALA


YOU DON'T MEET MALLUSTHEY HAPPEN TO YOU!!!! Fraud mallu Ki jai!!!


Source: Email from Sabarish Devasigamani

Alternate Termination for Inception...

Inception Ending: So you know how everyone thinks that the top is Cobb's totem, but in the beginning he mentions that it's actually Mal's?  Well, you see if it's not his totem, then it's not going to work properly for him.  Cobb's totem is his WEDDING RING.  Whenever he's dreaming he has a wedding ring on because, as he says, in his dreams they're still together.  In reality, he's not wearing a ring.  During the last scene of the movie, he's not wearing a ring. REALITY...Boo Yaa!!!!


Reposted from one of my old office notepad entries...have no memory whether i read this somewhere or just got it as a mail!

Be a man they said.....


A child's imagination is a peculiar thing.
It can turn cardboard boxes into rocketships, 
and stuffed teddy bears into best friends. 
But as they grow, the innocence of a child's imagination fades into the light of adulthood. 
Or, as in my case, eclipsed by the bleakness of insanity.

Rolling Model!


GET A CALCULATOR, IF NEEDED, (YOUR COMPUTER HAS ONE ON IT)

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3

4) You ' ll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ..............

****************************************************************************
***************************************************************************
********************************************************************
**************************************************************
***********************************************************
**********************************************************
********************************************************
*****************************************************
*********************************************
**************************************
*******************************
****************************
*************************
*******************
****************
**************
************
**********
********
******
****
***
**
*
*
*
*
Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Abraham Lincoln

4. Helen Keller

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. George Clooney

8. Thomas Edison

9. Arvind David

10. Ronald Reagan

I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like me... Believe it!

P.S.: Stop picking different numbers. I am your role model, just deal
with it!!!!

Demotivators!!!


There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.   They are the people you meet everyday asking you questions about everything under the sun...people who believe that they are motivating you to perform to your fullest.  Please find below a list of Demotivators....Quotations and cynical answers for those people who appear dumb in our piercing, brilliant eyes!!


Worth
Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.


Wishes
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.


Wisdom
Sometimes the only difference between a budding genius and a blooming idiot is where they choose to take a stand.


Wealth
All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.


Vision
How can the future be so hard to predict when all of my worst fears keep coming true?


Victory
Winners never fly higher than when they're bouncing up and down on the egos of those they defeat.


Underachievement
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.


Trouble
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.


Tradition
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.


Teamwork
A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.


Synergy
A code word lazy people use when they want you to do all the work.


Survival
The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.


Success
Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams.


Stupidity
Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.


Service
View all clients as beautiful buds that must be cultivated, watered, and periodically buried under manure.


The Secret of success
What is The Secret? Pretend you've already achieved it- Then offer to sell The Secret to others.


Sanity
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.


Sacrifice
Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who outlast you.


Risks
If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.


Retirement
Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left we can use.


Regret
It hurts to admit when you make mistakes - but when they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second.


Priorities
Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.


Problems
No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them


Pessimism
Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.


Perspective
Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more. Then less just looks pathetic.


Perseverance
The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.


Overconfidence
Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.


Motivation
If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.


Mistakes
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.


Mercy
Teach every child you meet the importance of forgiveness. It's our only hope of surviving their wrath once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for them.


Madness
Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"


Maturity
If you're tired of others looking down on you, grow the hell up.


Mediocrity
It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.


Losing
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.


Irresponsibility
No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.


Laziness
Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running.


Intimidation
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but you'd be a fool to withhold that from your superiors.


Insight
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
The smart left a long time ago.


Indifference
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.


Indecision
The mark of the leader is the ability to make decisions. The mark of the survivor is knowing when not to.


Incompetence
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.


Ignorance
It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going.


Idiocy
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


Hazards
There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed.


Get To Work
You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.


Flattery
If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom


Excuses
If you keep asking others to give you the benefit of the doubt, they'll eventually start to doubt your benefit.


Elitism
It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.


Economics
The science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.


Destiny
You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.


Despair
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.


Delusions
There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.


Dare Slack
When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.


Curiosity
Some Places Remain Unknown Because No One Has Ventured Forth. Others Remain So Because No One Has Ever Come Back.


Corruption
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.


Consulting
If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.


Change (winds)
When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.


Cluelessness
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.


Collaboration
When a motivated group of people join together, they can turn problems into opportunities. Especially drinking problems.


Blame
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.


Challenges
I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.


Beauty
If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.


Adversity
That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.

Who is supporting Who now?

Having spent quite a part of my "career" being "technically" supported, and "tech"SQLly supporting I can say with full confidence that by no means is tech support immune to exhibiting computer stupidity of their own. 


This website suggested by my good friend Santosh Banarjee consists of stories from the other side of the phone. Gentlemen and Gentle-womens of the tech savy world - Tech support dumbness presented to you for your perusal.


The one that i liked the best and a thing I have faced with Sony Ericsson mobile phone customer care personally...Getting things done the tech support way...


  • Customer: "My laptop won't boot."
  • Tech Support: "Have you tried rebooting?"
  • Customer: "I can't reboot, because it doesn't boot in the first place."
  • Tech Support: "Sir, we have to do things my way, okay?"
Sound off in the comments regarding any personal experiences....


The shorter it is, the sweeter it is.!

This is the first of my many blog posts to come, recommending a websites that I have found interesting and which you may too.


First in this list is a website to which at one point of time I was a regular contributor - Espresso Stories .  I stumbled across this website when a friend and I wanted to find a page which had a collection of short stories which we could read to while away some time at work, not like we had a lot of free time, thus the search for a short story website ;) .... and boy oh boy with this website we had hit the jackpot.  Here the stories aren't just short, they're just a sentence or two, totaling 25 words or less. Less hard-and-fast - but, equally vital are a theme, plot, characters, and narrative development. Everything you'd see in any good story - but short enough to fit into the time it takes to reach the bottom of that bitter little cup, as you ponder on how even the briefest experiences can make life more meaningful.


It explores a literary form for today's frothed-up, on-the-hoof, want-it-all-now consumer lifestyle: complete stories that take no longer to read than an espresso takes to slurp.  It's inspired by Augusto Monterroso's famous story, 'The Dinosaur'


Below are a list of stories that i had once published on this website.  You can also read them directly at the website here.  Please to go through them and let me know what ya think in the comments.


What would be more fantastic is if i inspired a few of you folks to contribute to this beautiful method of story telling.  If you do, please sound off in the comments so that we can all read your tiny work of art and enjoy!!!


'The "Mac" Shall Inherit the earth.....' 
by Arvind Vimal David


A million bitten apples lit up simultaneously all over the planet....
"Another planet touched!" smirked the Bespectacled Black turtleneck wearing Android.



'The "Mac" Shall Inherit the earth.....II' 
by Arvind Vimal David


More RAM, a New Graphic card, in retrospective, a huge mistake. As we watched the Macs take over the     world...


'Rehab....' 
by Arvind Vimal David


The drug was never the addiction.
  It was just a replacement for his addiction to her.



'Master of the Obvious.....' 
by Arvind Vimal David


No Make up, No heavy Paint, No red shiny nose, I didn't need all that to realize that my boss was a   clown.


'Lux Æterna....' 
by Arvind Vimal David


The Muted light lit his face, a cold wind ruffled his hair."Love you to bits" he thought, as he arranged her    pieces once again.


'Meanwhile....' 
by Arvind Vimal David


"Die Disembodied hand" shouted Ted and chopped the mysterious hand in his fridge
      

Meanwhile,Sara screamed as she removed her bloody stump from her fridge. 


Hope you enjoyed those little stories, a few more which were written by my good friend Amta a.k.a. Ashwin Raj....


'Oh no, she didn't.....' 
by Ashwin Calvin


“She won’t do it”, he thought.
     “She wouldn’t dare. No, of course she wouldn’t. It isn’t logical after all”. He calmed down.

      She did it.



'That Sinking feeling...' 
by Ashwin Calvin


The worst things in life isn't getting fired or breaking up.

       Its the anticipation which precedes it.

      You disintegrate. One sorry bit at a time.



'But I like it....' 
by Ashwin Calvin


Mick can’t get no satisfaction.

        His wife refuses to give him 40 licks.

        He starts rolling and gets stoned instead.



(For those who don't get the above story, here's a clue: Rolling Stones)


'Thought Provoker' 
by Ashwin Calvin


Change your thoughts, and your emotions will change.

        “I don't miss her!!” he thought.

        "ARRRGGHHHH!! "

        Score: Thoughts=0 Emotions=13



'Peek-a-boo' 
by Ashwin Calvin


He smiled to himself as he heard the hurriedly retreating footsteps of his nosy boss. She had obviously    seen his desktop image.




Well thats all fro now folks, waiting to hear your comments!! Have a good day!!!