Every man is put on Earth condemned to die, time and method of execution unknown.
But every once in a while, we are all put through situations where you would like to just shoot yourself in the head or have somebody sever your jugular vein. For some people this situation arises when they are in a very hurtful or humiliating situation, where all they can wish for is the ground to open up and swallow them whole, whereas for others, inclusive of yours truly this point comes when you have someone eating your brain out with a matter or a problem that you obviously don't give a rats tiny posterior about. (Note the struggle I face to find a worthy euphemism to express my heartfelt anguish)
Long before the advent of the "Internets" these kind of situations where only possible when you met the person face to face, or as illustrated above, via the amazing miracle machine invented by the great bell, who for some reason I believe was on some heavy drugs. Why else would someone think about finding a way to talk to somebody who is not even there. The name graham is a code for "gram", thats the amount of Coke he sniffed before he decided that he wanted to talk to somebody, and then since there was no one there and he had a bit of genius in him, TADA!!! - The world gets the telephone. Don't get me wrong, I respect Mr.Bell, and I have nothing against him, but there is no way in hell he wasn't high when he was do(p)ing this, the same goes for newton and the others, but we'll talk about that some other day.
Getting back to the matter at hand, since that fateful day Watson was summoned by that machine, mankind now was separated into 10 groups, those who understood binary, and those who didn't...well i was kidding there, but I had to sneak that joke in there somewhere, it cracks me up all the time! Ok, Seriously, it divided mankind into two groups, those who called and blabbered their hearts out, and those who sat there at the other side of the phone watching the great antics of lolcats or the double rainbow guy as they said, "aha, ahem, sure, ok, yeah, I understand, u right dawg, boo ya my boy etc.," , but at the back of their minds the thought that was screaming the loudest would have clearly been "Do you still not understand the enormity of the F^(k that i do not give!!???!!". Again, I am not justifying or saying that I have never done this, but I have a good excuse for this....I was drunk the crap outta my mind when i did this!!! and I do forgive my drunk friends, but its when the sane idiots do this that i loose it....Why why why!!!!!
Call it frustration or just a basic lack of understanding of human nature; but why is it that some guys tend to open up to random women pouring out their sorrows and emotions, when you can clearly see that she is not interested in your whining/philosophical discosure and she's desperately looking for a way to get out of there....think people think, it's not illegal as yet!!!!
And sadly for us, the tortured ones, inventions did not end with the telephone, it was followed by the cellular phone, and then came blogs,social networks and micro blogging facilities, which facilitated the whiner to whine in style and eased their whining requirements. Something like, Electronic mail helps you to get mail across in a second across hundreds of miles, Ewhine (Copyright pending)., helps you send your whine across a thousand miles in the blink of an eye and also you can publish it too every tom whose dick is harry who gives a crap about what is bothering you!!! I for one support micro blogging, because it limits it to micro whining. For example, instead of reading 420 characters of wah wah wah in Facebook, i'm quite happy with 140 characters in twitter, at least it encourages you to whine with some imagination, or what I call imagiwhinig, something which I plan to inculcate as part of my new religion Chrinduism as a substitution for the Christian confessional and whatever equivalent they have in other religions, but I will bore you with details regarding this in later posts...like i always say, the best is yet to come!!!
But not to worry oh Laadies and Gentlemans of the weaker kind, the group that is being killed and driven to a quick death because of these cubicle blocking, internet blog whining, social network sympathy seeking sociopaths, I, as always am here to save the day. I offer you the solution to save yourself from these people, and actually enable you to walk away from there happier for the experience. But before I spread out my gyaan to you here is a picture to beat the bloody double rainbow guy, something i vowed to post once i had a blog in my name...
(Sorry People, but i had to remove this awesome pic, as it did not stand up to the "Indian family values..contact me via the comments section and i will send you all a free copy of the same....)
(Beat this Double rainbow dope head!!!!...yeah)
If the gentleemen have finished staring and the laadies have finished swearing at me..let us go ahead with the solution to the above discussed problem.
I have divided the solution into three parts, Solution 1 for the chronic whiner who uses all means of technology, Solution 2 for the "non drunk, call you at midnight, just because his fish didn't smile back at him" case and Solution 3 for the budding whiner and how you can nip him at the bud and make the world a better place. Wow!!!! just listing it out makes me feel so nice!!!
Solution 1
Cheering them up doesn't work
As in "Oh, it can't be that bad", "Come on, cheer up" or the perennial favorite "Time heals all wounds". Saying things like this shows the whinerer that you're not taking their pain seriously. When you tell a whiner "it's not that bad", he/she will often complain even harder to convince you (and himself/herself) that his problems are very serious indeed, and if you try to get away from the phone call where it all started, you will have a pop up on your phone with the latest status update on every single one of their social networking profiles which goes something like "I am a door mat and was walked over by yet another girl/boy and am now posting this so you will all go like aww...cho shad sweety pie etc.," I say let the little prick know you don't give a fuck, don't go about with those pseudo solutions you always offer, but go straight to the chassis....instead of stating clichéd "it'll all be fine' statements, please to refer to my De-motivators for inspiration. The best and most effective one that I have used and actually have had results is "Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots."
You can try that one or you can pick your favorite one or you can mix and match, the choice is all yours. The so called westernization of our culture has led to the default regional settings of an Indian to be "Loud, obnoxious, and destructive!". Eventually our culture will devolve into groups of people shouting at each other as loud as they can while horrible noises play in the background.... Since this destruction is inevitable, I say go ahead - scream some sense into that whiner now, if it leads him to kill himself or some drastic shit, well as Darwin said, survival of the fittest. Let's just say we let nature take it's course and we just gave it a little push to go faster. Greenpeace/The Nobel peace prize Committee should actually should award us!!!!
Solution 2
And then there are the guys who aren't chronic whiners, but they whine at the silliest things. I had a friend, who actually felt bad that his goldfish "Goldy" didn't smile at him like it used to...I spent quite a number of hours wondering if his excessive weed abuse had led his mind to get stuck on the setting "stupid". For these kinda Semi Whiners, I recommend that, as a caring and concerned well wisher, you introduce them to the bigger problems and bigger realities of life. if he has a problem with his goldfish goldy, make sure his girlfriend thinks he has a problem with a "goldy", you don't have to mention it's his goldfish, what kind of a bad girlfriend is she when she doesn't know his gold fishes names! So technically, you are distracting his mind from the smaller issues. This would mean that he would either become a non whiner and a more responsible person, else, he is gonna become a chronic whiner as shown in case 1. Now you don't have to worry if that happens, because you already have the solution for that, please look above, and as previously mentioned/cautioned, if he decides to do a drastic thing like ending his life, it is just nature taking it's course and "weed"ing away the unnecessary...you know...items!!!
(When she is stupid enough to whine about something as silly as which seat she should take...Help Her!)
Solution 3
This should be the simplest solution of them all...if I have to say it in "n word" terms, it would sound something like "Keep your Pimp hand strong and bitch slap the N-word ova his head!!!"...in normal terms that would transliterate to "1 TIGHT SLAP" Followed by the words "Quit whining bitch!" It can work for both the sexes!!! You are doing a service to humanity, you have reduced noise pollution, as whiners whine in a very high irritating pitch, and you are making our social networks a safer place!!! No sudden whines jumping into your face now.
(Remember to Keep your Pimp hand strong!!!)
A few key end points to make sure that you successfully implement these solutions:
1. Whining about the Whiner doesn't work"Damn, that <Insert Name here> complains a lot doesn't he/she?" Guess what, you just became a Whiner too B) !
2. Ignoring them/ avoiding them doesn't workThis makes the whiners clamor for attention even more - which usually makes people ignore them even more. That's a vicious cycle right there.
3. Whining along with them doesn't work"You know what, you're right, the boss IS a jerk. And the weather sucks. In fact everything sucks. And Goldy hates me too!!!!!" This can be kind of cosy because it creates bonding and an us-against-the-world feeling. But ultimately it's a bad idea because the more people whine the less prone they are to doing something about their problems.
So try this approach on your "favorite" Whiner and tell me how it goes.
P.S. Always remember that you are unique and imperfect, just like everybody else!! So when you feel the need to whine set in, slap yourself and think "What would Arvind do!?"...It's helped me a lot, true story!!
P.P.S. Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what your bank account was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove... But the world may be different because you did something so bafflingly crazy like making it a Whine free place, that your ruins become a tourist attraction....but even then you'll never be as awesome as this kid:
When i die, i want either Charlie sheen's or this kid's life to flash in front of my eyes!!!
(Picture Courtesy: This site and this one )
But every once in a while, we are all put through situations where you would like to just shoot yourself in the head or have somebody sever your jugular vein. For some people this situation arises when they are in a very hurtful or humiliating situation, where all they can wish for is the ground to open up and swallow them whole, whereas for others, inclusive of yours truly this point comes when you have someone eating your brain out with a matter or a problem that you obviously don't give a rats tiny posterior about. (Note the struggle I face to find a worthy euphemism to express my heartfelt anguish)
Long before the advent of the "Internets" these kind of situations where only possible when you met the person face to face, or as illustrated above, via the amazing miracle machine invented by the great bell, who for some reason I believe was on some heavy drugs. Why else would someone think about finding a way to talk to somebody who is not even there. The name graham is a code for "gram", thats the amount of Coke he sniffed before he decided that he wanted to talk to somebody, and then since there was no one there and he had a bit of genius in him, TADA!!! - The world gets the telephone. Don't get me wrong, I respect Mr.Bell, and I have nothing against him, but there is no way in hell he wasn't high when he was do(p)ing this, the same goes for newton and the others, but we'll talk about that some other day.
Getting back to the matter at hand, since that fateful day Watson was summoned by that machine, mankind now was separated into 10 groups, those who understood binary, and those who didn't...well i was kidding there, but I had to sneak that joke in there somewhere, it cracks me up all the time! Ok, Seriously, it divided mankind into two groups, those who called and blabbered their hearts out, and those who sat there at the other side of the phone watching the great antics of lolcats or the double rainbow guy as they said, "aha, ahem, sure, ok, yeah, I understand, u right dawg, boo ya my boy etc.," , but at the back of their minds the thought that was screaming the loudest would have clearly been "Do you still not understand the enormity of the F^(k that i do not give!!???!!". Again, I am not justifying or saying that I have never done this, but I have a good excuse for this....I was drunk the crap outta my mind when i did this!!! and I do forgive my drunk friends, but its when the sane idiots do this that i loose it....Why why why!!!!!
Call it frustration or just a basic lack of understanding of human nature; but why is it that some guys tend to open up to random women pouring out their sorrows and emotions, when you can clearly see that she is not interested in your whining/philosophical discosure and she's desperately looking for a way to get out of there....think people think, it's not illegal as yet!!!!
And sadly for us, the tortured ones, inventions did not end with the telephone, it was followed by the cellular phone, and then came blogs,social networks and micro blogging facilities, which facilitated the whiner to whine in style and eased their whining requirements. Something like, Electronic mail helps you to get mail across in a second across hundreds of miles, Ewhine (Copyright pending)., helps you send your whine across a thousand miles in the blink of an eye and also you can publish it too every tom whose dick is harry who gives a crap about what is bothering you!!! I for one support micro blogging, because it limits it to micro whining. For example, instead of reading 420 characters of wah wah wah in Facebook, i'm quite happy with 140 characters in twitter, at least it encourages you to whine with some imagination, or what I call imagiwhinig, something which I plan to inculcate as part of my new religion Chrinduism as a substitution for the Christian confessional and whatever equivalent they have in other religions, but I will bore you with details regarding this in later posts...like i always say, the best is yet to come!!!
But not to worry oh Laadies and Gentlemans of the weaker kind, the group that is being killed and driven to a quick death because of these cubicle blocking, internet blog whining, social network sympathy seeking sociopaths, I, as always am here to save the day. I offer you the solution to save yourself from these people, and actually enable you to walk away from there happier for the experience. But before I spread out my gyaan to you here is a picture to beat the bloody double rainbow guy, something i vowed to post once i had a blog in my name...
(Sorry People, but i had to remove this awesome pic, as it did not stand up to the "Indian family values..contact me via the comments section and i will send you all a free copy of the same....)
(Beat this Double rainbow dope head!!!!...yeah)
If the gentleemen have finished staring and the laadies have finished swearing at me..let us go ahead with the solution to the above discussed problem.
I have divided the solution into three parts, Solution 1 for the chronic whiner who uses all means of technology, Solution 2 for the "non drunk, call you at midnight, just because his fish didn't smile back at him" case and Solution 3 for the budding whiner and how you can nip him at the bud and make the world a better place. Wow!!!! just listing it out makes me feel so nice!!!
Solution 1
Cheering them up doesn't work
As in "Oh, it can't be that bad", "Come on, cheer up" or the perennial favorite "Time heals all wounds". Saying things like this shows the whinerer that you're not taking their pain seriously. When you tell a whiner "it's not that bad", he/she will often complain even harder to convince you (and himself/herself) that his problems are very serious indeed, and if you try to get away from the phone call where it all started, you will have a pop up on your phone with the latest status update on every single one of their social networking profiles which goes something like "I am a door mat and was walked over by yet another girl/boy and am now posting this so you will all go like aww...cho shad sweety pie etc.," I say let the little prick know you don't give a fuck, don't go about with those pseudo solutions you always offer, but go straight to the chassis....instead of stating clichéd "it'll all be fine' statements, please to refer to my De-motivators for inspiration. The best and most effective one that I have used and actually have had results is "Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots."
You can try that one or you can pick your favorite one or you can mix and match, the choice is all yours. The so called westernization of our culture has led to the default regional settings of an Indian to be "Loud, obnoxious, and destructive!". Eventually our culture will devolve into groups of people shouting at each other as loud as they can while horrible noises play in the background.... Since this destruction is inevitable, I say go ahead - scream some sense into that whiner now, if it leads him to kill himself or some drastic shit, well as Darwin said, survival of the fittest. Let's just say we let nature take it's course and we just gave it a little push to go faster. Greenpeace/The Nobel peace prize Committee should actually should award us!!!!
Solution 2
And then there are the guys who aren't chronic whiners, but they whine at the silliest things. I had a friend, who actually felt bad that his goldfish "Goldy" didn't smile at him like it used to...I spent quite a number of hours wondering if his excessive weed abuse had led his mind to get stuck on the setting "stupid". For these kinda Semi Whiners, I recommend that, as a caring and concerned well wisher, you introduce them to the bigger problems and bigger realities of life. if he has a problem with his goldfish goldy, make sure his girlfriend thinks he has a problem with a "goldy", you don't have to mention it's his goldfish, what kind of a bad girlfriend is she when she doesn't know his gold fishes names! So technically, you are distracting his mind from the smaller issues. This would mean that he would either become a non whiner and a more responsible person, else, he is gonna become a chronic whiner as shown in case 1. Now you don't have to worry if that happens, because you already have the solution for that, please look above, and as previously mentioned/cautioned, if he decides to do a drastic thing like ending his life, it is just nature taking it's course and "weed"ing away the unnecessary...you know...items!!!
(When she is stupid enough to whine about something as silly as which seat she should take...Help Her!)
Solution 3
This should be the simplest solution of them all...if I have to say it in "n word" terms, it would sound something like "Keep your Pimp hand strong and bitch slap the N-word ova his head!!!"...in normal terms that would transliterate to "1 TIGHT SLAP" Followed by the words "Quit whining bitch!" It can work for both the sexes!!! You are doing a service to humanity, you have reduced noise pollution, as whiners whine in a very high irritating pitch, and you are making our social networks a safer place!!! No sudden whines jumping into your face now.
(Remember to Keep your Pimp hand strong!!!)
A few key end points to make sure that you successfully implement these solutions:
1. Whining about the Whiner doesn't work"Damn, that <Insert Name here> complains a lot doesn't he/she?" Guess what, you just became a Whiner too B) !
2. Ignoring them/ avoiding them doesn't workThis makes the whiners clamor for attention even more - which usually makes people ignore them even more. That's a vicious cycle right there.
3. Whining along with them doesn't work"You know what, you're right, the boss IS a jerk. And the weather sucks. In fact everything sucks. And Goldy hates me too!!!!!" This can be kind of cosy because it creates bonding and an us-against-the-world feeling. But ultimately it's a bad idea because the more people whine the less prone they are to doing something about their problems.
So try this approach on your "favorite" Whiner and tell me how it goes.
P.S. Always remember that you are unique and imperfect, just like everybody else!! So when you feel the need to whine set in, slap yourself and think "What would Arvind do!?"...It's helped me a lot, true story!!
P.P.S. Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what your bank account was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove... But the world may be different because you did something so bafflingly crazy like making it a Whine free place, that your ruins become a tourist attraction....but even then you'll never be as awesome as this kid:
When i die, i want either Charlie sheen's or this kid's life to flash in front of my eyes!!!
(Picture Courtesy: This site and this one )
There are two types of view points. In the box and out of the box (No, I dont mean the academic out of the box crap, this is more like a trap). 99.999999999% of us are in the box - viewing life from our perspective and criticizing (and in turn whining). Few saints, Christ, Buddha, Babaji, A few good men, Fewer women have learnt the art of being out of the box who have appreciated the art of viewing life and people as it is/they are. The moment I reduced whining, I became better as a person and life looked much better. Perhaps you should try it and should you be on the receiving end of whining, spread the message to the poor soul at the other end.
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